Boat Drinks

 “Waitress, I need two more boat drinks.”

               --Jimmy Buffett

 

Memorial Day is quickly disappearing in the rearview mirror as we hit the gas and speed onto the on-ramp that is summer by the pool or at the beach. This can mean only one thing: boat drinks! I’m not sure if Ol’ Jimmy coined the term, but he undoubtedly owned it. When I hear “boat drink,” I envision a warm, but not too hot day, with a clear blue sky; some chill music going; the whir of a blender; and the lazy warmth of a good buzz. 

Lying on my raft with my Wayfarers on, staring at the sky above me, pretending I’m Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, I start pondering a deep, cosmological question: what exactly makes a drink a “boat drink.” 

 

In the eponymous song by Mr. Buffett, he has cabin fever somewhere cold. He’s looking for somewhere warm to escape to. But I think there’s a little more going on here. I think Mr. Jimmy is looking to recharge, but first, he’s got to change—“changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes”. 

 

My floatie taps against the side of the pool and it hits me! (Not the side of the pool!) Sipping on a frozen, alcoholic concoction with friends and nothing to do, is the best way to recharge and redirect. Yeah, redirect—maybe that’s what Buffett was writing about!  Ok bear with me—I know I’ve had a few too many boat drinks. I think we need to redirect the boat drink; break it down; distill it; and take it back to its glorious birth! Here are three popular boat drinks that have a much classier pedigree than you or I probably thought possible.

 

 

The Margarita (Frozen or On-the-Rocks)

The modern, dayglo green concoction is a mere shadow of the original. Like many well-known cocktails, the origin of the margarita is hazy. Those who have claimed the honor: a Texas socialite named Margarita Sames; the Kentucky Club in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico; and the Tail o' the Cock in Los Angeles. One thing is certain, it was originally never frozen, and it was never made from a mix.

A respectable margarita on the rocks should avoid: (1) cheap tequila, and (2) pre-made mix. Like most classic cocktails, less is more, and better ingredients mean a better drink.

Let’s start with tequila. For most Americans, tequila means Jose Cuervo shots in a college bar on Cinco de Mayo. But there’s so much more than that. Good tequila, in my humble opinion, rivals the best scotch when done right. And when I say “done right,” I mean made with 100% agave. My favorites are Herradura, Patrón, or Corzo. But when it comes to tequila for a frozen margarita, I go with El Jimador, which is a good balance of price and quality. 

Tequila was first produced in the 16th century near the present-day city of Tequila, Mexico, though the Aztecs had made a fermented beverage from the agave plant long before the Spanish arrived. And so when the Spanish Conquistadors ran out of booze, they did what any respectful invader would do: go local! They distilled agave to produce what is perhaps the first indigenous North American distilled spirit. It was pure; it was good; it was natural. And then America stepped in and turned it all to crap.

So, to get back to where it all started, here’s a classic, simple, and pure, recipe for a Margarita.

Recipe for the Classic Margarita

Ingredients

2 limes, halved and juiced, rinds reserved

4 oz. premium tequila

1/2 oz. Cointreau or triple sec

Margarita salt or kosher salt

Preparation 

Fill two stemmed cocktail glasses with crushed ice and allow to chill. Meanwhile, fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add lime juice, tequila, and Cointreau. Shake well. Empty the ice from the glasses, rub the rims of glasses with the pulp side of one of the lime rinds, then dip moistened rims into a saucer of salt. Strain margaritas into salt-rimmed glasses and garnish with a slice of lime, if you like. This is also easily converted into a frozen version. 

The Daiquiri 

This drink has always reminded me of that crazy, hot mess ex-girlfriend who you just…can’t…let…go. You know what I’m talking about. Drunken, late-night texts from some bar you can never visit again. She’s with her girlfriends who obviously don’t have the common decency to take her phone away. Yeah, the modern-day daiquiri is a mess. But it wasn’t always so. In the distant past, she was a 1930s movie star, elegant and graceful. Maybe Olivia de Havilland; maybe Greta Garbo; and maybe, just maybe, Marlene Dietrich. 

 

The origins of the daiquiri are just as delitescent as the margarita, but one theory has it being invented by James Cox, an American mining engineer stuck in Cuba at the time of the Spanish–American War. Few folks outside of Cuba had even heard of the drink until Rear Admiral Lucius W. Johnson, a U.S. Navy medical officer, tried Cox's drink. Johnson later brought the drink back to the Army and Navy Club in Washington, D.C., and within a few decades, its popularity soared. Its fame was sealed when Ernest Hemingway and President John F. Kennedy made it one of their favorite cocktails. 

If I had to pick a provenance for the daiquiri, this story would be mine because it seems so American—the child of America’s spasmodic rise to world-power status in the early 20th Century. Perhaps it should have been named the “Teddy Roosevelt” or the “Rough Rider.”

Originally the drink was made with a teaspoon of sugar and the juice of one or two limes poured over crushed ice in a tall glass, all finished with two or three ounces of white rum. It was then stirred with a long cocktail spoon until frosted.

I suggest you break up with the hot-mess girlfriend version and move on.

Recipe for the Classic Daiquiri

Ingredients

2 oz. white rum (Mount Gay Eclipse) 

1 oz. fresh lime juice

2 bar spoons of sugar syrup

Preparation 

Pour all the ingredients into an ice-filled shaker. Stir vigorously with a cocktail spoon and strain into a chilled glass.

Hemingway Daiquiri

Hemingway owns the bar.

Ernest Hemingway was diabetic, so according to legend, this particular version was devised for him using maraschino liqueur instead of sugar. How this made the drink better suited for a diabetic escapes me. One reason I call B.S. on this story, but here it is nonetheless.

Ingredients

3/4 oz. white rum* (Cruzan Light Aged, Mount Gay Eclipse, or Flor de Caña 4-Year Extra Dry)

1/2 oz. maraschino liqueur

2 bar spoons of grapefruit juice

2 bar spoons of fresh lime juice. 

Preparation 

Pour all the ingredients into an ice-filled shaker. Stir vigorously with a cocktail spoon and strain into a chilled glass.

Well, there you have three classic drinks to get you through the hot summer months. If these don’t work for you, then grab an ice-cold beer.

*I seriously doubt that Mr. Hemingway, one of the most famous professional drinkers in American literary history, would drink a daiquiri with less rum than the standard version. I would up this to 1-2 oz.

 

The Piña Colada 

This is probably my least favorite of the drinks in this blog post. Can anyone—at least anyone who grew up in the 70s—not take a sip of this drink and immediately start singing, in full-throttle beach mode: “If you like piña coladas/And gettin' caught in the rain”? (If that song is stuck in your head for the next six hours, then “you’re welcome.”)

This cocktail is closely associated with Puerto Rico. In fact, at least according to the internet, in 1978 Puerto Rico proclaimed the cocktail to be its official drink!

According to the earliest origin story, the 19th-century Puerto Rican pirate Roberto Cofresí, in order to boost the morale of his crew, gave them a beverage or cocktail that contained coconut, pineapple, and white rum. If this was the first piña colada recipe then it died with death in 1825.

Fast forward 129 years...

According to its website, The Caribe Hotel claims that Ramón "Monchito" Marrero created the Piña Colada in 1954 at the hotel’s Beachcomber Bar. As further proof that alcohol and politics do in fact mix, Puerto Rican Governor Sila M. Calderón presented a proclamation in 2004 celebrating the drink's 50th anniversary. 

And then we have Coco Lopez; Coco López was created in 1954 by  University of Puerto Rico Professor Ramon López Irizarry who created an improved method for the extraction of coconut cream. 

Classic Piña Colada Recipe from the Caribe Hotel

Ingredients

2 oz white rum (Mount Gay Eclipse)

1 oz coconut cream (such as Coco Lopez)

1 oz heavy cream (optional, for a richer texture)

6 oz fresh pineapple juice (preferably fresh)

1/2 cup crushed ice

Pineapple slice and maraschino cherry for garnish

Preparation:

Combine Ingredients: In a blender, combine the white rum, coconut cream, heavy cream (if using), pineapple juice, and crushed ice.

Blend: Blend the ingredients until smooth and frothy.

Serve: Pour the mixture into a chilled glass, traditionally a hurricane glass.

Garnish: Garnish with a pineapple slice and a maraschino cherry.

Tips:

Coconut Cream vs. Coconut Milk: Make sure to use coconut cream, which is thicker and richer than coconut milk.

Fresh Pineapple Juice: For the best flavor, use fresh pineapple juice. You can juice a fresh pineapple or use a high-quality bottled version.

Blending: Ensure the ice is thoroughly blended to achieve a smooth consistency.

And there you have it. Three popular boat drinks stripped down to their classic selves. So go to it, my friends. As for me, I’m going to gently float to the deep end of the pool. Cheers!

Father's Day

Father’s Day can be a mixed bag depending on your place in life. If you are a young dad, you get handprints, handwritten notes, and handmade artwork. If you are a little older, your children may be in college or busy with their families and careers. While they may be late to call you on Father’s Day, don’t worry, they will call. But for a lot of dad’s (and those who aren't), Father’s Day can be tough. You want to call, but you can’t because your dad has passed away. 

And that’s where I was this year. This was my first Father’s Day without my dad, and I couldn't help but think about him. But life is a gift whether long or short, so I’ tried stay positive this past Sunday. And while my old man was no Paul Prudhomme, he did impart, for the most part, some decent advice about cooking. 

First, there was the grill. I’m not talking about those fancy gas-powered, industrial behemoths. No Big Green Egg. No Kalamazoo. I’m talking about those spindly-legged grills from K-Mart, always in danger of tipping over or rusting out. And then there was that cheap bag of charcoal from the local hardware store and the even cheaper bottle of lighter fluid. I remember how my dad would solemnly talk about fire safety while squirting half the bottle of lighter fluid on the open flame when my mom wasn’t looking. 

 

Second, there was the instruction after the coals had cooled and it was time to throw some meat on the grill. As my dad imparted his wisdom, he noted that what he was about to tell me had been handed down to him from his father, and his father's father and so on, all the way back to the Battle of Hastings. I was expecting the secret formula for Coca-Cola, but what I got was, “turn the meat so it cooks evenly.” And yet, despite that revealing tidbit, I did learn some useful things about cooking from my dad, such as: 

• How to separate eggs
• How to scramble eggs
• How to fry an egg
• How to make a ham sandwich (harder than you think!)
• How to make black-eyed peas
• How to cook country ham
• How to make and, more importantly, eat biscuits (with country ham of course)

My dad was not what you would call a gourmand. When visiting Paris, he had his favorite café make a French version of an American hot dog, complete with mustard and ketchup. The horror! But he didn’t care. He was in a happy place, even if his foodie son didn’t approve.  Now that I’m one of those more “mature” dads, I kind of get it. I’ve earned the right to be “that dad.” 

Did I mention that he was an amazing editor for this blog. If you find a typo or grammatical error, please don’t let me know. 

Is It True You Can't Go Home Again?

You can't go back home...to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame ... .'

--Thomas Wolf

Last summer, when the fear and uncertainty of the Great Pandemic of 2020 was at its strongest and the turning tide was no where to be seen, my two sons decided to defer their freshman year of college to 2021 when life was presumed to return to normal. (As if life, or especially freshman year of college, has ever been "normal.") One son took a job in his hometown of Birmingham, Alabama, focused on his interest in history by helping a historical cemetery organize and archive a hundred year's worth of documents. My other son also took a job close to his heart—the great outdoors—by working as a lift operator ("liftie") in Breckinridge, Colorado. Hamp started in November and by February, I must sheepishly admit, I still had not visited him. 

My hard-working liftie.

But that changed when I booked a hotel room and a plane ticket and made my way to Breckinridge a few weeks ago. The plan was food (obviously), his birthday, and skiing. 

About the skiing....

The last time I skied was in 2001—almost twenty years to the date that I stepped off the plane in Denver. At the time, I was a pretty avid skier and not too bad at it, if I must say. So what happened? Kids. Career. Inertia. 

I grew up in the South. I didn't grow up in a skiing family. My interest in skiing, oddly, coincided with my nascent interest in James Bond movies. Skiing and Bond have gone hand in hand since the beginning. In the summer of 1981, when I was between fifth and sixth grade, I saw For Your Eyes Only, part of which takes place in the Italian Alps. It all seemed so elegant, with all the dining al Fresco (at least until Bond interrupted). That movie also had one of the best ski chase scenes of any Bond film. That fall, I discovered that I wasn't the only one enamored with the glamor of skiing. My friend Don and I dreamed of the day when we would go skiing with expensive clothes and glamorous girls in tow. We both had ski jackets that, because we lived in the South, were worn maybe two or three days a year. Before Don and I could take off on our grand ski tour, however, I moved away to the suburbs of Washington, DC.

Living "up North" was when I finally got the opportunity to ski on a regular basis. In high school, we would pile into our cars on cold, dark Saturday mornings and head up to the slopes in Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and Western Maryland. To save money, we packed our own gourmet lunches: Bologna sandwiches, Doritos, Oreos. And of course, there was always a bota bag or a flask for some liquid courage for the black diamonds. 

The skiing adventures continued into college, but the food choices, sadly, remained the same. One time, on the way back from Snowshoe in West Virginia, our pickup truck skidded on an icy road and hit a car in the oncoming lane. No one was seriously injured, but my friend Brian, who was driving, broke his wrist. We spent the night in a very small town called Franklin, where they had to open the clinic to treat Brian's arm. To this day, I recall a local asking me if I knew who the town was named for. Thinking this must be a trick question, I slowly answered, "Benjamin Franklin?"  He looked at me as if I had just won the Nobel prize. We spent the night at the local Holiday Inn. Dinner came from a diner next door. My dad once said that, when in doubt, order a ham sandwich because you can't screw it up. Well dad, I gotta call B.S. on that one. That diner in Franklin, WVa, in the winter of 1989 somehow figured out to royally screw up the simple, yet noble, ham sandwich. 

Other trips included Sunday River in Maine for Spring Break 1992--I know, wrong direction. I don't remember what we ate, but we did consume a lot of frozen mudslides. 

So....back to Breckinridge.

I arrived on a Friday evening, so it was too late to ski. I was also tired and not up to going out to dinner. The answer was easy: pizza. My son recommended Luigi's. He said it was very good, but out of his price range. Hampton learning the value of a dollar!? At this point, I couldn't deprive him because the only person who loves pizza more than I is Hamp. And it was worth the COVID-19 wait. The only way I could've gotten a more authentic NY-style pizza was by airplane. 

The next day, Saturday, was when the rubber hit the road; the big test; the moment of reckoning. This was either going to be like riding a bike or a riding in an ambulance. Thankfully, it was the former. I even looked pretty good, thanks to some slick ski clothes from some friends who live in Colorado. Don from sixth grade would have been impressed.

Dinner that night was at Empire Burger, a place where the burgers live up to the name. I mean, if you can't get good beef out West, then you are, quite frankly, incompetent. Hamp got the double cheeseburger because this place was a bit of stretch for his liftie income. I warned him; he paid the price. 

Sunday was Hamp's birthday. We had dinner reservations for 8:45, but after a full day of skiing, neither one of us wanted to wait that late. Instead, we headed to a Vietnamese restaurant, Peak of Asia, that Hamp recommended. He had heard it was good, but too rich for his wallet. (Notice a pattern here?) The pho was excellent, but the highlight was when a co-worker who worked there greeted Hamp and gave him a birthday present. The spring roll also had a lighted match in it. We all sang happy birthday. 

Lunch of Champions  

Monday, Hamp had to work. I was on my own. Maybe because I wasn't concerned about looking like a doofus in front of my 19-year old son, I really let it rip. I had my best day of the whole trip. I tore it up, hitting a breathtaking 26 MPH on a blue! I rewarded myself with a hot dog and a beer at 11,000 feet. At the end of the day, however, I was pooped. Eating out that night was a no-go—pizza again.  

Tuesday. My last night in Breck. For the previous four nights, I had been trying to get reservations at Mi Casa, the local Mexican restaurant that gets great reviews. It didn't happen.  We found the next best thing at Sancho Taco, a Mexican street taco restaurant with awesome Margaritas and authentic street tacos. I don't know about Mi Casa, but it would be hard to beat this place. Go with the fried chicken taco!

The next morning, Hamp had to head back to work, and I had to head back to Atlanta. As we said goodbye, I could tell that my son was not looking forward to Hot Pockets and microwaved hotdogs. And while he will roll his eyes at half the crap his old man says, he certainly appreciates the decent meals he gets. Yeah, this was probably the best eatin' I've had on a ski trip. Maybe one day, when Hamp's been off the slopes for many years, he can return the favor with his kids.

And yes, you can go home again if you know how to read a trail map. 

A Labor of Love

This is a post about Valentine's Day written in March, but time is rather fluid these days—Monday seems like Wednesday and Monday might as well be Friday. So cut me some slack. 

Next  to flowers and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, dining at a nice restaurant is perhaps the most popular Valentine's Day tradition. But considering the times we live in, that is not an option for a lot of people. Besides, going out to eat V-Day is amateur hour! Stay at home and put all those COVID-19 cooking skills to good use!

What to make? It being Valentine's Day, I wanted to make something French. After all, the French practically invented l'amour, right? Second, I wanted the dish to be special. With these two variables accounted for, the outcome was obvious: cassoulet. I came to this conclusion around 11:00 a.m. on Valentine's Day itself. You can see where this is headed. 

I made cassoulet, for the fist and only time, several years ago using Julia Child's recipe. So, off to the bookcase near the kitchen where I keep my cookbooks and grabbed Mastering the Art of French Cooking. There at page 399, the recipe read: "

FRENCH BAKED BEANS 

Cassoulet

Don't let the rather quotidian title fool you. This recipe is six damn pages long and requires cracked mutton and lamb bones! Pretty sure I skipped the cracked bones the last time. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I blocked that recipe out of my mind. I don't recall slogging through six pages of detailed instructions or spending all day in the kitchen. Call it culinary PTSD.

Maybe there's a quicker version...

I next turned to David Lebovitz's, My Paris Kitchen. His recipe was a mere five pages, but required a two-day head start. Hmmm, now where did I park the DeLorean?

Ina Garten was now my last chance to make cassoulet on Valentine's Day. She is an expert at taking classic French recipes and making them relatively straightforward. I walked back to that bookshelf with a bit more optimism in my step and confidently plucked Barefoot in Paris from the shelf and opened the index: caramelized shallots, rosemary cashews, cassis a l'eau, cauliflower gratin...but no cassoulet.

Maybe she has a recipe online, I thought. 

When I googled "Ina Garten cassoulet," I discovered why she doesn't have a cassoulet recipe: 

“There are so many dishes I love to make at home, but there are some things I just don’t make at home. I order them in restaurants, like cassoulet. Things that take, like, days to make and they’re so good.”

Well, if Ina Garten doesn't think cassoulet made at home is worth it, then I'm sold. But there was still the question of what I was going to make. Back to that bookcase yet again.

There on bottom shelf between Eric Ripert's Avec Eric and Raymond Olivier's La Cuisine, was Mimi Thorisson's French Country Cooking, someone I've written about before. One of my favorite recipes in French Country Cooking is Pork Tenderloin with Prunes and Red Win Sauce. Because of its ease of preparation and its deliciousness, this recipe punches well above its weight.

Here's the recipe:

PORK TENDERLOIN WITH PRUNES & RED WIN SAUCE

FOR THE SAUCE

2 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 medium carrot, diced

2 shallots, finally chopped 

1 bay leaf [I usually double what recipes call for.]

Leaves from 3 springs of fresh thyme

Course sea salt and freshly ground pepper

3/4 cup of red wine

2 tablespoons of red wine vinegar

1/4 chicken or vegetable stock

8 onces of prunes soaked in warm water for 15 minutes

FOR THE PORK

4 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil

2 pounds of pork tenderloin, cut into four equal pieces

Coarse sea salt and freshly ground pepper

3 garlic cloves, unpeeled

Leaves from a few sprigs of fresh flat, leave parsley, finely chopped

PREPARATION

1. Make the sauce. In a medium sauté pan, heat 1 tablespoon of the butter over medium heat. Add the carrot and shallots and cook until slightly golden, about 3 minutes. Add the bay leaf and thyme, season with salt and pepper, and then add the wine and vinegar. Simmer for a few minutes to reduce slightly. Pour in the stock and bring to a low boil. Reduce the heat and simmer for 10 minutes.

2. Add the remaining 1 1/2 tablespoons butter to the pan. Drain the prunes and add them to the sauce. Continue to simmer for 5 mins. Season with salt and pepper to taste. 

3. Meanwhile, cook the pork. In a large sauté pan, heat the butter and olive oil over medium-high heat. Season the tenderloins on both sides with salt and pepper and add to the pan with the garlic cloves. Cook on both sides until golden brown and cooked through, 8 to 10 minutes. [I would like to try this recipe with bone-in pork chops.]

4. Spoon off and discard any excess fat from the pan, then pour the prune sauce on top of the pork. Garnish with the parsley and serve immediately. 

And there you have it. And while not the labor of love that I had originally intended, this recipe gave me more time to enjoy that meal with my love. And that's the whole point, isn't it?

Oh, did I mention that Mimi Thorisson has a recipe for cassoulet? Maybe I'll try again next year, starting around the end of January. 

Avocado is the Color of California

California is (was?) a different country. It is big, trendy, and shiny—with skinny, trendy, shiny people. And after you've stared at the 20th Ferrari dealership, one of many that seem to sprout like weeds every quarter mile, and after you've checked into your hotel, and after discovering you are hungry, you head to the hotel's stylish, skinny restaurant for lunch. 

You are greeted by a friendly, tan, sun/fun-loving blonde who cheerifully hands you the menu, one with no less than 9 dishes containing avocado. There is roasted avocado, avocado toast, avocado-grapefruit salad, various types of fish with avocado, and even steak with avocado. You will wonder whether there is some regulatory requirement in California that restaurants are required to have a certain quota of avocado dishes on the menu. Surprise: more avocados are consumed in L.A. than anywhere else in America. 

Where did this ugly little rock star come from?

Sometime around 500 B.C.E, someone cultivated the avocado (persea americana) in Mesoamerica. The avocado gets its name from the Nahuatl word ahuacatl, which means "testicle." To the Aztec, avocados, which grow in pairs, were symbols of love and fertility. About 95 percent of the avocados you will eat in the U.S. are of the Hass variety. In fact, about 80 percent of the avocados consumed worldwide are Hass avocados. 

So, here I was in a bar, thousands of miles from home. Nothing on the menu looked familar or appealing to this Southern boy, until I saw that they offered a srimp po-boy. But...with avocado? Who puts avocado on a shrimp po-boy?!  But try anything once I always say. And, I must say, it wasn't too bad. 

I am not crazy about big junks or slices of avocado in most dishes. Avocado is better as the drummer rather than the lead singer. 

But when in Rome...

Buh Bye 2020!

It is safe to say that I've never been happier to see a new year arrive. And I also never want to hear the word "unprecedented" again! But before I put away my comfy pants and hit the treadmill to undo nine months of working within twenty feet of the employee cafeteria (i.e., my kitchen), I have one last culinary indulgence: black-eyed peas and collards. 

In the South, it is traditional to eat black-eyed peas and collards on New Year's day for luck (the peas) and money (greens). The green color of collards represents money--that's pretty obvious. What's perhaps less so is why black-eyed peas represent luck. One story is that during his infamous march to the sea in Georgia, General Sherman didn't burn the fields planted with black-eyed peas, thinking they were animal feed. Because of the black-eyed peas Sherman spared, many Georgians avoided starvation and ever since the blacked-eyed pea has been considered to bring good luck. 

Black-eyed peas are not just for New Year's Day. I grew up eating them on a regular basis. In my family, we served them with chopped onion and ketchup. 

I've always made my black-eyed peas separate from the collards, cooking the peas slowly over low heat with butter, onion, and a ham hock or bacon. This year, however, I tried something new—a recipe by Raleigh, North Carolina, Chef Ashley Christensen. In her recipe, she combines black-eyed peas and collard greens, appropriately naming it Luck and Money. John T. Edge, named it one of his favorite recipes in a recent issue of Garden & Gun. Here's the recipe, though I added bacon to mine:

Luck and Money

Chef Ashley Christensen, Raleigh, NC

About 6-8 servings

¼ cup canola oil
1 yellow onion, minced
2 lbs. collard greens, stemmed and chopped*
1 tsp. red pepper flakes, toasted (Toast the pepper flakes in a dry sauté pan over medium heat, tossing constantly until they become aromatic.)
½ cup white wine
2 cups cooked peas (Use your favorite field pea.)
¼ cup apple cider vinegar
2 tbsp. roasted garlic butter**
sea salt to taste
fresh cracked pepper to taste

Warm canola oil in a stockpot over medium heat. Next, add onion and cook until translucent. Add chopped greens, and stir to mix with onion and oil. Season lightly with sea salt and toasted pepper flakes. Stir for 2 minutes to allow the seasoning to permeate the ingredients. Add white wine, and cook the contents of the pot (still over medium heat), stirring every few minutes. Cook until tender, about 30-40 minutes.

Once greens are tender, stir in cooked peas and cider vinegar. Bring to a simmer and season with roasted garlic butter, sea salt, and cracked pepper to taste. Simmer for 10 more minutes, allowing all of the ingredients to incorporate.

*Stems in greens are a matter of preference. I like them both ways, but I also love to pickle the stems separately for garnishing deviled eggs, or Bloody Marys…anything that likes a pickle.

**Roasted garlic butter is made by mixing soft, roasted garlic cloves into soft butter in a ratio of 1:8, so 1 tablespoon of roasted garlic to 1 stick of butter. It’s great for finishing sauces and vegetables. If you prefer, you may just use plain butter. If using plain butter, add a couple of cloves of crushed fresh garlic in with the onion.

Remember When We Had Office Holiday Parties?

 “For just one night let’s not be co-workers. Let's be co-people.”


Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

COVID has put the kibosh on a lot of things, but nothing has taken a bigger hit than the office holiday party, which every HR director in the country is probably thrilled about. So, even though we cannot gather in person this year, we can reminisce about office holiday parties past. 

                                                                                © 2013 Chris Terrell

    Don't have too many of these 

    at the holiday office party!

This is the time of year in which adults are thrown back against the current to their teenage years. The anxiety! The hormones! The embarrassing moments! The cliques! The guy who pukes on his shoes! I’m talking about the holiday office party, of course. Actually, a better term is “work party” or better yet, “work function,” because it can             be more work than fun and "function" because it feels like one of those medical procedures that you must get every year once you’ve reached a certain age. There are many different types of office parties depending on where you work and in what kind of industry you work. (Lawyers can be pretty wild when let out of their pinstriped cages.) To better understand the myriad office parties/work functions (or any party for that matter), I decided to compare them to some of my favorite movies. And to keep this blog entry as closely related to food as possible, I’ve quoted a line from the movie that relates to food or eating. I’ve now decided to make this a fun movie game: find the foodie quote in movies not ostensibly related to food.

The Godfather (Part I or II)

“Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.”

These are the office parties where your boss expects you to attend. In fact, it is probably required. When you get the invitation, you can hear your boss, sitting in the cold recesses of his top floor corner office, speaking coldly to his secretary: “I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.” These are typically invite-only parties, reserved for “upper management.” This fact creates envy amongst your co-workers who were not invited, thereby adding to the stress of the evening. If they only knew that you would prefer to trade in your invite on some kind of invite exchange and stay home with a six-pack of PBR, a pizza, and the latest episode of Game of Thrones.

The Graduate

Mr. Braddock: Ben, this whole idea sounds pretty half-baked.

Benjamin: Oh, it's not. It's completely baked.

This is the kind of party in which a boozy Mrs. Robinson wanna-be is in attendance. She spends the whole night trying to drag you into the back corner, whilst telling you how bored she is. This particular party guest, however, is in excellent shape for her age (expensive Pilates classes) and shows up one step ahead of the competition in terms of how many drinks she’s had. Her dress is expensive and low-cut and she always stands too close, with one hand glued to the small of your back.  Now don’t get me wrong, I thought Anne Bancroft was hot as hell in that movie and Benjamin Braddock was a fool at first, but it is a lot different when your office party’s version of Mrs. Robinson is the wife of an executive VP who wants you to marry their daughter. Of course, you spend the whole time worrying that you don’t drink too much and do something stupid. To borrow a line from the movie above: “women are more dangerous than shotguns.”

Another use for this movie reference would be the party with the really bad food; food that tastes like…shall we say….plastic? Oh come on, you remember:

Mr. McGuire: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word.

Benjamin: Yes, sir.

Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?

Benjamin: Yes, I am.

Mr. McGuire: Plastics.

Forest Gump

“My momma always said, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.’”

Remember Bubba Blue from Forrest Gump? He was the guy who talked about 2,465 different ways to prepare shrimp: “You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it.” Well, this is the party where there’s always that one guest you try to avoid—maybe it’s Bob from accounting or Janice from the mail room—who thinks you are their best friend (or at least the only person too polite not to run away) and who proceeds to talk your ear off, as you try to figure out how to talk to that cute new girl in HR. They will tell you every boring detail of their otherwise dull life, as you try and pull away, reflexively drinking from a beer that you finished about twenty minutes ago. 

Titantic

“Why do they insist on announcing dinner like a damned cavalry charge?”

This is the office party where we know how it's going to end, and we know that it is going to end badly.  Like Mr. Fleet in the crow’s nest who first sees the iceberg dead ahead, the sense of inevitable doom is palpable.  These office parties are more typical for smaller companies  where everyone knows each other; the hierarchy is rather flat; and the workforce is young. Think dot com start-up or even a restaurant. I’ve been to these parties. Eventually, someone gets way too drunk. Someone gets way too belligerent. And someone gets way too frisky. And like The Hangover, Parts 1-16, no one ever remembers a damn thing in the morning. As a result, no one gets fired!

Midnight in Paris

“[B]ut I will say that we both like Indian food, not all Indian food, but the pita bread, we both like pita bread, I guess it’s called naan.”

This is the office party you haven’t been to in a long time, or one in which old friends or a girlfriend plans to attend, or even a party at the company or firm where you worked for many years. As a result, you have very unrealistic, if not downright romantic, notions about what to expect at such a party. As Gil discovers, the idealized past wilts in the blazing noonday sun of the present. But like the dialogue in Midnight in Paris, the conversation amongst old friends is relaxed and nostalgic and, like an old sweater, it feels comfortable even if a bit tight around the middle.

Well, there you have it—the unofficial five categories of office parties explained through the movies. Think of this as a public service announcement, for if just one of my 14 readers can better survive a holiday office party, then my life is certainly complete.